This is probably one of the few instances that I swiped-right based more on what was written on his profile than from the unfortunate connection between my thumb and loins. I mean seriously, aside from the beard, it would seem that we were pretty much destined to be together forever. Right? We started talking and hit it off right away. It was obvious that he was charming, educated, quick-witted and in all honesty, he reminded me of one of my very most favorite (yet married) male friends. We talked regularly for a few days, and opted to meet for Bloody Mary’s at De Vere’s on Super bowl Sunday.
The Date: We had no idea if De Vere’s would be a good idea, or the worst idea ever on Super Bowl Sunday, but I appreciated his willingness to do whatever if we arrived and it was filled with stupid. I got there about a bit early to scope it out and pleasantly surprised that it was mostly empty. It had been raining on and off all morning, but since there was a bit of an overhang on the patio, I asked them to turn on the heaters, grabbed a Bloody Mary and headed outside.
First Impressions: Open. Interesting. Nice.
The conversation flowed much like it did over text. I found his stories to be affable and nothing about him struck me as dull or disingenuous. I can’t say that I had the impression that he or I were particularly taken by one another. When I’m really besotted with someone, my face gets warm and the air seems thick when I am near them; the air was just… air… and that was a bit disappointing. On the other hand, I wasn’t in a hurry for the date to end either. We sat there for over an hour before walking over to Uncle Vito’s for a slice.
As time went on, two very important things became apparent:
The man sitting next to us is definitely annoyed by our disinterest in the game, a Rams fan, leans to the right, does not wash his pants regularly, and likely does not give himself that third and final shake after urinating and…
The man sitting across from me, while kind and compassionate, definitely is bitter and jaded by life and love, and probably has some shit he needs to figure out before really being able to find his person.
The rest of this story is rather uneventful. I followed him back to him place and we walked his dog, chatted a bit more, and then I headed home. We texted briefly a few days ago, but I think we both had a sense leaving that neither expected a second date. With that said, I would totally enjoy getting to know him more in another capacity. I do think he’s a catch, I just think it’s better that I leave my pole at home.
While I would love to write about The Great Carrot Dangler or talk about Mr. Forbidden Fruit, right now really isn’t the time; the reasons are complicated and certainly entertaining, but both are better left unsaid at the moment.
How illusive.
Moving on.
Full Disclosure: While
I am excited to write about these new experiences, I’ll do my best to avoid
names or key details about the person, because that just seems like the nice
thing to do. I mean, I’m not trying to rip anyone apart. Everyone has an equal
and opposite someone that’ll love the fuck out of them. Some stuff is probably
embellished (it is), but that’s just really my skewed perception of reality. With
that said, if you are reading this and want to give me a piece of your mind
while remaining anonymous, send me an email and maybe I’ll post it.
Hinge (1):
We probably started chatting a week or two before we met up,
but ultimately we decided that he would pick me up the day after Christmas and
we would head to Sierra at Tahoe to go snowboarding. My idea. Once the decision
was made, I quietly resolved that I was a genius and that either this was going
to be so great, or I was going to be stuck in a car with a dumb pretty dude
wishing to be vulture food. In either of these scenarios, the opportunity for
adventure seemed worthwhile.
Truth be told, I was actually pretty nervous to go out with
this guy. Between the podcast, the band, the pretty face, and the ex wife
that’s way fucking stunning, I knew this was an uphill climb. I mean, his ex is
like luxury car fine and I’m over here cute in a VW Bug type-of-way.
The Date: He sent me a text alerting me that he had arrived and as I exited my house I saw him across the street in front of my neighbors house with the trunk open. Immediately upon seeing me, he closed the trunk, jumped in his car and drove the additional 25 feet around the Court, only to smile, emerge, and open the trunk again. As a first introduction, I found this to be totally unnecessary and completely charming.
First Impressions: Endearing. Simple. Kind. Edgy.
The drive to Sierra didn’t fall too far off course. He was
sweet and charismatic and somehow the stories flowed effortlessly, like two old
friend that had nothing but time. While neither of us looked beyond ordinary in
our snowboard gear, there was certainly something about his manner that made me
curious about him; he was unlike anyone that I can recall ever going on a date
with and that, in and of itself, made him that much more appealing.
We arrived at Sierra around 9AM and did the usual gearing up
in the parking lot. At one point he reached in his pocket and pulled out a
packet of gummy worms, in case we decided we wanted a snack on the mountain. Of
course, my dumb ass didn’t put it together until hours later that these were
edibles. In my head I really just thought he made these little baggies with a
few gummy worms in them, just in case we wanted a snack. We bought our tickets,
had an honorary Bloody Mary and headed up on the mountain. Most of our day
consisted of snowboarding down separately and then catching the lift back up
with one another. At one point we did take an intermission for another drink,
and then again for lunch. I would say that there were moments it seemed we were
vibing on each other, but we also could have just been a bit drunk on snow, a
cracked rib (?), vodka, and gummy worms.
Most of our getting to know each other really happened on the drive there and back. On the way home we were both pretty exhausted. I really didn’t know what it was that I thought about him romantically, and I’m pretty sure he felt the same way: Mostly nothing with a floss of maybe. I liked our conversations and the energy between us, but I could also tell that he never seemed fully present. In some ways, I felt like we could just as easily be friends.
Overall: 8/10
Doesn’t this all just sound so sweet; don’t worry, it’s
coming.
That night he dropped me off at home and while we considered
meeting up for a glass of wine, and we probably could have kissed, neither were
in the cards. I did manage to leave my sunglasses in his car, which gave me a
huge eyeroll. Believe me, if I was going to do that shit on purpose, I would
have left Target sunglasses, not the ones I wear every day. The following evening
I was out with Michelle having some wine at Tiger, when he suggested I stop by
his place and grab my glasses, since he lived nearby. So, Michelle drove me
over to his place and I sat on the bumper of his car waiting for him to meet me
at the curb. Before I even knew what hit me, I had my sunglasses in my hand,
his lips on my mouth, and then he was gone.
What the hell was that!?
We continued talking over the course of the evening and the
following week. On Saturday, I had just finished up at the gym and was sitting
in the CVS parking lot when he asked me if I wanted to stop by for coffee. I
ran back into the CVS to buy deodorant, eyeliner, mascara and a myriad of other
drug store items to slather on my face before getting to his place. “Are you
almost here?” Umm… Should I tell him I’m
sitting in my fucking car outside of his place trying to look less like a
Goddamn Volkswagen!
“Be right there!”
Coffee was quick and simple. We talked for about 45 minutes,
kissed a few times, and then he told me he needed to finish his laundry and
deliver some late Christmas goods. I went home. Over the next few days, we
still texted here and there, but I could tell that something seemed different. At
one point he mentioned that he didn’t know what he was looking for or what his
intentions were. I suggested that we just makeout now and he figure out whatever
his intentions are later.
“Ok”
I ask him if he wants to hang out that evening since neither
of us have kids and he says something about needing to do laundry, get a hair
cut, and clean his place. I give him a hard time about his shitty
prioritization skills, (I was going to go to Victoria’s Secret to buy some
panties, but I wasn’t going to tell him that. Ok. I lie. I totally shamed him with this information) and he tells
me to come over in the evening. After work I go to Nordstrom’s because I decide
I’m classier than VS (obviously), and then home to shower and change. I listen
to music loudly, put on the closest version of post-shower, movie makeup, and
head to Temple for a pre-makeout Cappuccino since I’m fucking old and need all
the help I can get.
“Ok. Come over”
I park my car at his house. 8:17pm I head into his place and am greeted with a huge smile and a kiss, and he walks into his bedroom and starts putting some of his laundry away. I warm myself by his heater and we chat casually for 5-10 minutes. I take my shoes off and pull him on to the bed. He kisses me. I kiss him back. He kisses me. I kiss him back. Awkward pause. He kisses me. I look at him. He kisses me. I kiss him back. Awkward pause He kisses me. I stare at him. He kisses me. I kiss him back. Awkward pause.
Awkward pause.
“Okay, I really need to finish putting my laundry away and straighten up my place. I just got home and didn’t have time. I really wanted to see you and makeout with you for a minute… but…”
